| Not particularly handy? Does the very thought of | | | | two copies of twenty-five or more sets of plans, |
| household repairs send you into a deep depression? | | | | ideas, sketches, drawings and supply lists. Randomly |
| You may suffer from MTDBS: Multi-Thumb | | | | circle and highlight various sections of the first sets |
| Dysfunctional Brain Syndrome. Researchers have just | | | | of plans, making builder-type notes on the pages: |
| recently begun to chronicle this devastating disorder, | | | | "Might need hammer," "Get glue" or "Screws - cool!" |
| and estimate it may impact as many as ten million | | | | Wad up the other sets of plans, fill the trashcan to |
| American men. Scientists are quick to point out that | | | | overflowing and then scatter the extras on the desk |
| MTDBS is not the same as being a klutz. "A klutz is | | | | and about the floor. When your wife brings in coffee |
| physically unskilled, lacking dexterity and nimbleness. A | | | | she won't say a word - it'll be obvious you're |
| person afflicted with Multi-Thumb Dysfunctional Brain | | | | engaged in the serious business of weeding out the |
| Syndrome has a brain disorder that reduces their | | | | scam artists who dare call themselves craftsmen.4. |
| conceptual skills to the level of a young baboon. It's a | | | | Stumble into bed well past midnight, sighing deeply |
| much more serious complication," says Dr. Gertrude | | | | with the weight of your responsibility. When your |
| Steiner, Director of Physical Capabilities Assessment | | | | wife asks if you've got it figured out, tell her, "Sure. |
| Laboratories.Effective therapies are, sadly, still years | | | | But, it's not going to be pretty. You and the kids |
| away. Scientists must first isolate the specific genes, | | | | better spend the weekend at your moms. By |
| neural pathways and synapses involved in the | | | | Monday, it should be fine." A note of caution is in |
| disability and then devise strategies to assist those | | | | order. Make sure the lights are out at this stage of |
| who are afflicted. In the meantime, men are not | | | | the operation. Failure to do so may jeopardize the |
| without hope. Dr. Steiner recommends that men | | | | entire process as, under extreme duress, even the |
| suffering from MTDBS follow these clinical guidelines | | | | most capable of men find their customarily |
| when confronted with a household repair:1. Nod and | | | | expressionless faces betraying them.5. Dressed in |
| Frown. When your wife recommends a home repair, | | | | tattered jeans and an old tee shirt, wave a hammer |
| immediately begin to slowly nod your head up and | | | | at your wife as she backs out of the driveway. Close |
| down. This conveys both acceptance of her as a | | | | the door, secure the chain and set the deadbolt. |
| person and expresses your thoughtful consideration | | | | Tossing the hammer aside, move to the garage and |
| of the project she's suggested. Next, with no more | | | | deactivate the automatic door opener. OK, go ahead |
| than a two or three second delay, begin to frown. If | | | | - smile as you saunter past the awaiting project, |
| you have the facial dexterity, a frown that is more | | | | though still not quite sure what the finished product |
| pronounced on one side is superior, as it expresses a | | | | will look like. Detour through the kitchen, grabbing a |
| more thoughtful posture. This frown conveys a | | | | cold one from the fridge as you pass, and through |
| sense of understanding that belies the underlying | | | | open the back door. "Bernie! My favorite carpenter." |
| confusion that now grips your brain.2. Make an | | | | Point Bernie and his crew toward the project - then, |
| affirming, though simple, statement of support, along | | | | step back and watch as the miracle of craftsmanship |
| the lines of, "Yeah," or, "Gee, sounds good." This sets | | | | unfolds before your witless eyes.Is there a cure in |
| up the initial escape phase of the project, distracting | | | | the offing for Multi-Thumb Dysfunctional Brain |
| your wife with the quickness of your acquiescence. | | | | Syndrome? Scientists are skeptical. They do, |
| The next step is critical. Commit the Escape Phrase | | | | however, look to significantly improve the functioning |
| to memory: "Hmm, let me see what I can dig up | | | | of sufferers. "Our goal," says Dr. Steiner, "is to |
| online." Don't alter this phrase. It has been scientifically | | | | remove the stigma of shame from men who now |
| tested and proven. Next, take a deep breath, give a | | | | function at the level of young baboons." She says |
| last thoughtful nod and, almost as an afterthought, | | | | early results are promising and, "If all goes well, we |
| softly state the Escape Phrase. Now, turn and head | | | | may one day be able to offer these poor men the |
| to your study, closing and locking the door behind | | | | hope of functioning at the cognitive level of |
| you.3. Research your heart out at home | | | | moderately intelligent chimpanzees." Godspeed, Dr. |
| improvement self-help websites. If you become | | | | Steiner - Godspeed.Tim Anderson is a freelance |
| nauseated at their very sight, try doing your search | | | | writer who has a special interest in medical topics. |
| utilizing only the light from a small desktop lamp. Print | | | | |