| Frequent arguments cause a lot of damage to a | | | | already. By viewing the couple in action, the therapist |
| relationship. In each relationship, there is a baseline. | | | | gets an understanding of what happens between |
| This baseline is where the couple wants to be. | | | | them. The couple leaves the office wishing they had |
| Everything is good and they feel close to each other. | | | | come in separate cars but come back week after |
| When they have an argument, they drop below the | | | | week hoping the therapist will eventually tell them |
| baseline and thus need to return to the baseline so | | | | how to reconnect. |
| that they can feel close again. But suppose they get | | | | I do not allow couples to fight in my office. I tell |
| into another argument before they return to the | | | | them they can fight at home free. Instead, the focus |
| baseline; this pushes them even further below the | | | | is on returning to the baseline. I tell the couple to |
| baseline. They now have even more ground to cover | | | | stay away from the major issues that trigger the |
| before they can return to the baseline. If another | | | | arguments for now. I often tell them not to argue at |
| argument occurs, they push themselves even further | | | | all and the following week they report no arguments. |
| below. This can go on and on until the baseline seem | | | | I ask them how they did this and they respond with |
| unreachable. The couple tries everything they know | | | | "You told us not to argue." It amazes me. Couples |
| but get nowhere. Doubt takes over and logic tells | | | | want to stay connected. They do not want to fight |
| them that the relationship is irretrievable. | | | | and argue. |
| Abandon the notion that you need to address and | | | | So to reiterate, you return to the baseline by giving |
| resolve major issues when you are far below the | | | | the major issues or conflicts a breather until you feel |
| baseline. It is futile to attempt resolution when all you | | | | closer to each other. The time needed can vary |
| can see is despair. You need to take a time-out from | | | | depending on how much hurt has been experienced. |
| the issues and focus more on staying connected. | | | | One week to four weeks usually provides significant |
| This usually comes down to shutting up for the time | | | | relief but it may take a lot longer. It is vital that you |
| being. The process of pushing the major issues | | | | shut up. I am going to cover a wide variety of |
| towards resolution is typically what therapists do and | | | | different techniques to help you during those times |
| the couple also believes this is necessary but it is not. | | | | you feel that you have to say something. |
| The therapist often allows the couple to recreate an | | | | Remember, the closer you are to the baseline, the |
| argument that they may have had a hundred times | | | | better chance you have at reconnection. |