| Frequent arguments cause a lot of damage to a | | | | hundred times already. By viewing the couple |
| relationship. In each relationship, there is | | | | in action, the therapist gets an |
| a baseline. This baseline is where the | | | | understanding of what happens between them. |
| couple wants to be. Everything is good and | | | | The couple leaves the office wishing they had |
| they feel close to each other. When they | | | | come in separate cars but come back week |
| have an argument, they drop below the | | | | after week hoping the therapist will |
| baseline and thus need to return to the | | | | eventually tell them how to reconnect. |
| baseline so that they can feel close again. | | | | |
| But suppose they get into another argument | | | | I do not allow couples to fight in my office. |
| before they return to the baseline; this | | | | I tell them they can fight at home free. |
| pushes them even further below the baseline. | | | | Instead, the focus is on returning to the |
| They now have even more ground to cover | | | | baseline. I tell the couple to stay away |
| before they can return to the baseline. If | | | | from the major issues that trigger the |
| another argument occurs, they push themselves | | | | arguments for now. I often tell them not to |
| even further below. This can go on and on | | | | argue at all and the following week they |
| until the baseline seem unreachable. The | | | | report no arguments. I ask them how they did |
| couple tries everything they know but get | | | | this and they respond with "You told us not |
| nowhere. Doubt takes over and logic tells | | | | to argue." It amazes me. Couples want to |
| them that the relationship is irretrievable. | | | | stay connected. They do not want to fight |
| | | | and argue. |
| Abandon the notion that you need to address | | | | |
| and resolve major issues when you are far | | | | So to reiterate, you return to the baseline |
| below the baseline. It is futile to attempt | | | | by giving the major issues or conflicts a |
| resolution when all you can see is despair. | | | | breather until you feel closer to each other. |
| You need to take a time-out from the issues | | | | The time needed can vary depending on how |
| and focus more on staying connected. This | | | | much hurt has been experienced. One week to |
| usually comes down to shutting up for the | | | | four weeks usually provides significant |
| time being. The process of pushing the major | | | | relief but it may take a lot longer. It is |
| issues towards resolution is typically what | | | | vital that you shut up. I am going to cover |
| therapists do and the couple also believes | | | | a wide variety of different techniques to |
| this is necessary but it is not. | | | | help you during those times you feel that you |
| | | | have to say something. Remember, the closer |
| The therapist often allows the couple to | | | | you are to the baseline, the better chance |
| recreate an argument that they may have had a | | | | you have at reconnection. |